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epic [Feb. 26th, 2006|06:12 pm]
[you should feel |shockedshocked]
[song |Every Day Is Exactly the Same --NIN]

I am in awe. Why am I in awe? Because I just got to see the greatest movie of my life. I'm not just saying that, it's honest to god better than Fight Club. I'd say you could quote me on that, but that's kind of pointless once its already written down.

Running Scared 5/5

I swear to god I am in love with this movie. Paul Walker, who is now a god in my eyes, actually does not fuck it up (I assume that would be the only deterent to seeing this film; it was for me).

as for description, I will simply say that it did everything right. Everything. and as a cinematographer, I actually stayed in my seat in shock and awe for a half hour following. I will give more descriptions later, as I plan on seeing it another 234280394720 times.
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All the things I could never say [Feb. 11th, 2006|04:38 pm]
[song |Cocaine & Toupees --Mindless Self Indulgence]

This is basically the same as writing an angry letter then ripping it up. Or any other sort of anger-mitigation technique for that matter, such as writing the letter anonymously in a group. Since I can't do it anonymously, I will instead make who I'm writing about anonymous (although there is a high probablilty that I will get some ages wrong). Here are all the things I could never say to you, one section per person:

There's a lot of things I regret about being with you. While it might have been the best thing in the world for me, we both know you weren't the best girlfriend to me. You were fine to me, you never lied or cheated. But you did lie to other people. Is it really that big of a deal what other people think? We were together how long, were so close to the goal, and you never even told your best friend about us?

I'm going to keep this short & to the point, because I'm tired of saying it.
I don't know where to even begin Pandora. The person who completely destroyed the person I was, who opened my eyes to the sort of pain the world could really give me. I stuck by through everyone, waiting, and I was just a toy to you. I don't think you realize how much you lost by lying to me, by using, by leading me on. I don't think you realize how much I've lost.
I will never forgive you for what you did to me. I will never forgive you for the person you've turned me into. And yet, I'm glad you're in my life. as painful as life with you is, I can't imagine it without you.

Everyone else I've been kind of nice to, because I realize that these people aren't as anonymous as I make them out to be. But you have no redeeming qualities that I can think of. I'm ashamed to admit that I once liked you, that I was blinded by the person I thought you were.
You have a way to go in this life. Shit, even Kel has more figured out than you. Stop caring what other people think about you, grab a new crowd that doesn't consist of the stereotypical back-stabbing bitches.
The only good thing I can say is that you broke it off when you did, before I got too attatched to someone who I don't believe has the actual ability to love another person.

You've been more or less my best friend for so long now, but you're not a very good one. I can never see myself going to you with my problems, because I don't think you'd care. Hell, I haven't even been to your house in a year. I want you to know that you are the coolest person I've ever known, and I love you, in the strictly platonic way. But it wouldn't be that bad if you were ever, y'know, there for me.

This isn't an issue of me coming out and saying all the problems I have with you. This is my apology, which I've layed out for you in little bits and pieces, but never at once. I regret breaking up with you, I regard it as the stupidest thing I've ever done, and I'm not even kidding. You're the only person I've been sure of. There's always doubts in my mind, but there aren't this time.
I wasn't even honest about why I did what I did. I mean, yes, you made things difficult, what with being grounded for so long and more or less ignoring me in school (not intentionally, of course). But I never really made an effort either. The truth is, I was falling in love with you, and I couldn't handle it. I couldn't take it, and I bailed. And I regret it so much, because a year and a half later, here I am, wanting back in, and it might just be too late for me. I should have stayed.

I was using you. There, I said it. and I'm sorry, I really am. I know now that nothing good comes from lying, from using, because let's face it, I'm just not good enough at it.

You stupid Dick. I've never honestly liked you, because you are a stupid, stuck-up bastard. Of course, it doesn't help that so many idiots fawn over you. You are the one anomaly that keeps the world from makign sense.
If you could just once respond to something I said with wit and humor. Usually its fun to prey on people like you, but you jsut make it annoying.

I pretend to be ok with it, but I'm not. No more semantics, what you did to me this summer was just plain cruel. You led me on, and I got hurt. I know it wasn't your intention, but you have to realize that I would have been mroe than happy just being your friend. There were better ways to handle that.
Regardless of all that, I miss you. So much. And I will find a way to see you this summer. You know what you did wrong, I have faith in you to not repeat the same mistake.

I will never be able to figure you out. You're not proper, and you're not better than everyone else, no matter how bad you want to believe it. I don't treat you witht he respect you want because you are a friend, an equal. And if you can't see that, fuck you.
I can't believe you cut me out of the prom picture.

I miss you man. Come back to Anchorage, if only for so long. You have been my muse, my guide, and are one of teh few people I look up to in this world.

Same goes for you. Come back now. You were always good for a laugh, even if so much of it was just the repetition of me.

There are very few people I can count on in this world, and you're one of the few. I know I can always count on you, and I trust you completely.

You're my best friend man. You know the things I've never told anyone else. You're probably the only person who can pick out everyone on this list. I admire you, I really do, because you are essentially the person I aspire to be. You're better than me, and probably wiser.
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suggestion box [Feb. 1st, 2006|05:57 pm]
[you should feel |pensivepensive]
[song |Revolving Door --Crazy Town]

Ok, I'm going to simplify this to keep from seeming too emo. Here's the problem, as nameless as can be.

I had a friend, a really good friend pull me over and tell me that he's contemplating asking the girl I'm into out. He says that if this is a problem with me, he won't.

I've been through this exact situation before, so I have an idea what I should do. However, there are more than two possible options, so even though I made the wrong choice last time around, it doesn't mean that I'll necessarily make the right one this time.

I don't know, half of me wants to let him have a chance, but the other part of me is crazy about this girl, not using her like I have so many others. And I've been crazy about her for a while now, I'm just waiting for her to get over someone else first.

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cynicism, solipsism, nihilism [Jan. 7th, 2006|08:24 pm]
[Tags|, , , ]
[you should feel |annoyedannoyed]
[song |Throw Me away --Korn]

I am convinced that I am smarter than everyone. I say this not to promote my intelligence, but to point out a fatal flaw with the world.

People think that their chief purpose is existing. Now, there’s a definitive difference between living and existing. In Costa Rica, for example, I lived for the first time in about a year. I partied harder, breathed in fuller, and even now that I’ve returned from paradise, my clock is set in such a way that for whatever reason I am awake and alive.

The other thing people fail to realize is that they have the power to make a difference. As a general whole, we maintain a very solipsistic nature, and exist solely for ourselves. I’m not giving out an activist plea here, I’m not asking you to donate money to the Christian’s Children Fund or whatever, I’m talking about a more personal note, the people who matter to you, who you are forced to co-exist with. I know that last paragraph is hard to read, but if you don’t get it, that’s ok, because it only serves as a preamble to today’s principal point:

I can’t respect anyone who just sits around feeling guilty. Not while they still have the power to rectify their mistakes.
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a pint for pleasure, a pint for pain [Nov. 26th, 2005|09:50 pm]
[song |Awakening --Damning Well]

9:00. parents gone. got Renholder and Dougan cranked up, a couple of guiness' out and a fifth of Smiranoff, half of it already gone, and something occurs to me.

This is sooo fucking unhealthy.

I'm not talking about the merely drinking. I don't have a problem with alcohol, so you can take all your science and jam your colon with it. I am talking about the fact that I am not drinking for pleasure; I am drinking alone, and I am drinking to forget. I am drinking to forget my best friend moved to Colorado. I am drinking to forget that I just kicked out the kid who lives across the street because of something that in retrospect seems incredibly hypocritical. I am drinking to forget the girl who I have been in love with for 10 months are her shining new boyfriend, all of which leaves me totally discarded and betrayed.

And then it hits me. I have a problem.

I'm not talking about my drinking. I'm talking about my obsession.

what the fuck...
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No one deserves this. [Nov. 19th, 2005|04:06 pm]
[you should feel |numbnumb]
[song |Rest in Pieces --Saliva]

I can't do this anymore.

I am tired of being used and tossed around. I am tired of being lied to. I am done sharing you. and I cannot be happy for you, because all of this means that while i have ALWAYS been there for you, you will never, ever, provide that same treatment. I cannot be your friend. I will not be content with just half of you. So waht I need you to do, I need you to get the fuck out. just leave my life.

no excuse you make will be good enough for me. Not this time.
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I've got another confession to make...I'm your fool [Nov. 13th, 2005|09:15 pm]
[song |Best of You --Foo Fighters]

I miss the person you were, before everything turned you into this. I miss the way you used to be.
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help, please. [Nov. 11th, 2005|08:27 pm]
[song |Feel Good Inc. --Gorillaz]

what can you get a girl that will ensure that she remembers you forever?
(unless you can't think of anything else, put jewelry).
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toast [Nov. 6th, 2005|02:16 pm]
Here's to ringo. May we never befriend another mexican.
I miss you already.
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discourse into thought. [Nov. 2nd, 2005|09:42 pm]
[Tags|, ]
[you should feel |depresseddeep]
[song |Love Rolelrcoaster --Red Hot Chili Peppers]

I've always thought of myself as older than other people. Not older in the sense of age, but in terms of role modeling and wisdom.

It's hard to say this without it sounding like conceit, but I'm always there to help people and offer advice. I can't see into other people's minds, so I don't know how many people think the way that I do, the way that, life has a meaning, a purpose, and at the same time not caring what it is (but still trying to find it). Thinking about how I think; the brain, the soul, how people interact. This is probably what spurs my pursuit into the field of psychology and/or sociology. Maybe in helping other people I can figure more out. And maybe while I'm at it I can figure out what the hell's wrong with me.

And at the same time I don't consider myself above other people (not consciously, at least). Not to belittle anyone else, but I've been through a lot in the last year. I'm not going into details, because if you don't already know, then you don't care. Suffice it to say, I've changed a lot. I am ALWAYS changing, and my brain evolves because of the experiences I take in. Because of this...I regret none of it.

I change, and I think. The thinking keeps me up at night, which gets me thinking that I think too much. at the same time, part of me thinks that thinking is all there is to think about, and you can't think too much, no matter what the cost to your physical health. (note to self: work on sentence structure).
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Attention all Anonymous posters! [Oct. 26th, 2005|06:36 pm]
Sign your god damn name! like so


See? It's not so hard. I can't always match IP addreses with people.
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choke [Oct. 23rd, 2005|03:32 pm]
[you should feel |numbbroken]
[song |MY DSMBR> --Linkin park]

You spend your life waiting, waiting for people to change. But they never do. I guess thats always been my fault. I see the best in people, even when its not there.
I wish I had the power to walk away...
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Recent developments [Oct. 21st, 2005|06:42 pm]
[Tags|, ]
[song |falling into grace]

DOOM= teh awesome.

I'm sure some people are going to find a way to mac on the doom movie, but their uppance will come; I found few faults with it. True, it didn't stay consistent with the plotline of its namesake, and It was disheartening to watch it turn into another zombie movie, but when I think back on it, Doom didn't really have a plot anyways. So in that aspect it acheived its goal, i guess.

The other complaint I got was that it starts out slow. Big Deal. You want instant action? Go rent transporter 2. Regardless of what the cynics want to say, the first person sequences more than made up for any shortcomings of the piece.

Sage ranking: 4.5/5
Now, I don't like a lot of the movies I see. Actually, most of the movies Is ee I don't like. But I have a slight edge as I only see the movies I think I am going to like or make fun of without mercy/reserve. Serenity took on some issues for me as a critic. One was that I was not focused on the movie, as I should have been, but rather on the fine piece of tongue arranged inside my mouth.

From what I caught of it as a background movie, it was good. lots of explosions, and a genuine meld of wit and action, which is rare in cinema, it really is. I loved the Firefly series, and its a pity it was cancelled/shown out of order/raped by Rupert Murdoch. Serenity did justice in the form of plot, even though it was somewhat cliche (although as I try to stress everytime I review something, come on, originality is difficult after so many movies made). Now that I think about it, the plot is nearly identical to that of doom.

Back to the part about the tongue: this led to one of the more disconcerting moments in my life. After the movie I asked for her number (of course she gave it to me; I'm gotten damn smooth, and see no shame in admitting that). Then the following exchange took place.

Me: So what school do you go to, anyway?
Her: Wendler.
Me: *chokes* did you fail?

I don't think I'll call her.

So I got drunk last week. pretty drunk, considering the conditions soon after. I think the exact amount was .21. and Ima do it again tomorrow. Why? Because being drunk is fun. It really is. Especially the part where you go home to your mom and explain that you're not in fact drunk. Your two friends that you're with aren't either. In fact, nobody's drunk, because as far as your "virgin son" knows, alcohol is the devil. Goodnight Mom.

sage= teh awesome
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of murals and awesomeness [Oct. 18th, 2005|08:37 pm]
[Tags|, ]

point 1: there is an ugly mural that features a tree surrounded by a rainbow.

point 2: we would like to put up a more awesome mural that involves pacman, legions of zombies, Colin Farrel, and things on fire.

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oh, the things I know: statistics and observations [Oct. 4th, 2005|05:51 pm]
[Tags|, ]
[you should feel |satisfiedsatisfied]
[song |(I'm not your) Stepping Stone]

I was bored, so I went through and tagged all my entries. yes, all 183 of them (as of this post). here's a brief synopsis:
any of those that connects me to a time I was hurting
pure anything that I read and makes me feel something
review review of something. pretty self-explanatory
rant a rant
random anything,. usually random things that make me smile or laugh.
school anything relating to schoolwork, gym hockey etc.
political anything relating to politics or religion (religion IS politics)
im so awesome reasons why I am awesome, or the catalogue of something awesome I did
stuff anything that doesn't fall into these others; the blog junk

Its really cool to be able to look at how I have changed over the years. and wow, have I changed. Here's what I've learned:

 I am a freaking genius.  I'm not even kidding. Few people can compare themselves to all the things I have done. I'm not trying to convince you; either you know it to be true, or I won't be able to convince you anyway.

I have the smartest friends ever. The best, too. Some of my friends may not have the ideal qualities of a true friend, but they all make me laugh when im down and restore all the balance I have ever needed in my life. Not to mention how incredible these people are.
        Kevin, I don't know if I've ever admitted this, but you were probably the biggest role model/mentor I have ever had. I really miss you. It seems that the people who I really admire have all left, and I never really knew them to begin with. Sam Parker, Saera, Katie, Ernie, and Roman, all of you guys...I browsed through some random comments, and you guys are deeperand more intelligent  than I ever realized any of my friends had the potential to be. Roman, if you read this, we need to hang out some time.

The english language is my bitch. This is simply a statement. I have mastered the smithing of words, and I can sue them to accomplish anything. This is also probably one of the reasons I am so romantic; I have the ability to make anyone feel anything, which is to be honest most of what I have going for me. Which segues into my next point...

I feel too damn much. Looking over the last year of my life, I realized just how pathetic I make my life. I fell so far in love I couldn't pull myself back out. Jesus, I have 25 posts about her. 14% for one girl. I'm not going to go deep into this, as that would raise the number to 26, but suffice it to say that I realize that my biggest weakness is my compassion and impatience.

I definitely know what I want to do with my life. Ignoring all else about my future, looking into my past to see how I think just proves that I want to go into some sort of field relating to the mind, be it psychiatry, psychology, or sociology. All thats left in my life is to figure out just how I want to live it
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outcome. [Oct. 1st, 2005|06:41 pm]
[you should feel |highdifferent than i should]
[song |Crash and Burn]

All I've ever wanted out of life was to walk out into that sunset with the girl under my arm. and if I can't have the girl? Then I guess I'll just keep on walking.

Half a year ago I would given anything to not be in love. I would have given anything for a goodnights sleep, for complete freedom from such dependency. But you know what? I'm glad I fell. Not because things worked out: things never work out for me, and thats just something I'll have to come to terms with.

I think the hardest thing I've ever done was watch her cry. Lord knows I'd love to make it stop, I'd do anything to make it stop. But that's just the thing: I tried to make it stop. I tried to give her a reason to be happy, to stop crying. and it made her cry...

and I now understand every fucking emo song; every boxcar racer tune that I once despised crawls toward me and jumps beneath my flesh. And I don't mind. because when I walked away and the emo songs filled my soul, songs that i WROTE to close that void, throughout all of that...I was happy. I don't know whether it was absolution, catharsis, closure, or whatever, but I can walk tall knowing that I can never hurt again.

Whatever does not kill me makes me stronger, or so they say. When you are brought this close to death, just how indomitable are you?

Recap: I love her. And I will always love her. I don't care how stupid that is.
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(no subject) [Sep. 30th, 2005|05:18 pm]
[song |Firestarter --Prodigy]

Today has the potential to be the greatest day in my life.
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I <3 the wind. [Sep. 24th, 2005|10:00 am]
[you should feel |enthralledawed]
[song |I stay away -Alice in Chains]

the wind is freaking awesome. i truly can't think of anything more inherently fun thatn playing tennis in the wind. Its like adding a miniature golf element to the greatest sport on earth. Its uncomparable, untouchable. It should gust more.

So I'm sitting here with a kitten on my lap watching the grass ripple. Its jsut so...so beautiful. Not bullshit beautiful like the plastic bag floating in the wind in American beauty. True beauty.

I love the wind.
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(no subject) [Sep. 20th, 2005|09:19 pm]
I'm confident she'll make the right decision.
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Spin the bottle [Sep. 18th, 2005|09:35 pm]
[you should feel |pleasedpleased]
[song |Dazed and Confused --Led Zeppelin]

I have serious question to ask everyone. What are the origins of the game "spin the bottle"?

General consensus seem to be that it was horny old men. My theory is that it involved horny old men and a boy scout troop. You know, to teach leadership skills.

Scout: "But sir, he's another boy"

my two cents for the day are spent.
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Addendum (x2) [Sep. 15th, 2005|09:11 pm]
[Tags|, ]
[song |Gimme one Reason --Tracy Chapman]

okay, so I might ahev mispoken. yes, Mr. Sparkman is a cool guy. But he's also a heinous asshole. I got a fucking D because he didn't like the fact that I was wearing Jeans on "professional dress wednesday" (D means "i forgot." The guy behind me got a C for having "black jeans anda hoodie" as opposed to the actual TOP AND TIE I had). Fuck you mr. Sparkman.

Not only that but we had 6 radio logs assigned to us today, only one of which we were able to do because we had a group visiting to Polaris who we apparently sposed to entertain. Hey, they want the tour of KCC, send em over to fucking Early Childhood care. Each radio log takes 30 minutes (not an aveerage,t ahts the set time). Oh yeah, and only four of us can do that at a time, while there's 22 of us in the class. Oh yeah, and class lasts two hours.

I understand that that is a lot of numbers, but I have faith that you guys are better at math then Mr. Sparkman.
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(no subject) [Sep. 7th, 2005|07:33 pm]

KCC kicks so much ass. Our teacher takes every aspect about Jim that is cool (interesting stories, knowledge, jokes) but ignores all the things that make Jim suck (repeating those stories, using the word "Ironical", etc.).

This is definitely what I want to do. Not with my life necessarily, but definitely for the next 16 weeks. I mean hell, our teacher almost worked in porn (and he spent twenty minutes telling us that), and is open about his mistress. that's just bitchin. Plain and simple.

Josh, you are GIVING that dollar back.
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come again? [Sep. 3rd, 2005|09:30 pm]
[you should feel |numbnumb]
[song |Rest in Pieces --Saliva]

you don't have to be anyone else other than who you are. If you were anybody else, I wouldn't be in love with you the way that I am.

I don't know how this is all going to end up, but remember that much.
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The school schedule sucks. again. [Sep. 3rd, 2005|04:35 pm]
[you should feel |pleasedpleased]
[song |Pride --Saliva]

I've never expected much from the steller schedule. After all, I've always been able to manipulate it to get what I want anyway (not entirely sure if I'll be able to do that with the new principal). I'm not gonna bore you with the specifics, im sure that any and all of you either know how much it sucks or don't care (depending on whether or not you go to steller).

I must say that regardless of KCC, TOB, and all the workload that accompanies school, I am REALLY looking forward to it. more so than any other year in fact. Maybe it's because right now is the happiest I've ever been in my life, and it can only get better from here.

If I can simply convince my parents to let me get my license, I am going to be fucking indomitable. I already permanently feel like I've got my Saliva soundtrack wrapped around my ears. You just can't beat that.

One last thing: everyone say hi to paul, our new german exchange student. He totally beats every other exchange student we've had to date (except for maybe Joe). AND he plays tennis.

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Jason Statham rocks my world. [Sep. 3rd, 2005|04:22 pm]
[you should feel |hypercomically animated]
[song |All because of You --Saliva]

Am I supposed to hate sequels? I think that's what is expected of me. usually I live up to it, too.

So when I went to see Transporter 2, I went with a premonition that usually accompanies these sequels. Bennet noticed that it looks completely unrealistic, as opposed to teh first one where he was human. I pointed out that in the first movie he deflected a missile with a frying pan.

I loved transporter 2. Love. It is perhaps the most senseless plotless movie ever. and that's what makes it so great. They didn't even TRY. it was just non stop plagiarism of other movies.

but no other movie has such great action sequences. I mean, he fucking flipped onto a crane and removed a bomb with its hook. What the crap? Oh yeah, and he can dodge bullets.

I DID have a bit of trouble with the whole superhero feel of the film. I mean, this guy is fucking invincible. He can do anything. Including jump 8 feet in the air.

If anyone wants to see it, I'd be up to see it again. Hell, I understand why people buy movies now.

Transporter 2
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