|All the things I could never say
||[Feb. 11th, 2006|04:38 pm]
|||||Cocaine & Toupees --Mindless Self Indulgence||]|
This is basically the same as writing an angry letter then ripping it up. Or any other sort of anger-mitigation technique for that matter, such as writing the letter anonymously in a group. Since I can't do it anonymously, I will instead make who I'm writing about anonymous (although there is a high probablilty that I will get some ages wrong). Here are all the things I could never say to you, one section per person:
There's a lot of things I regret about being with you. While it might have been the best thing in the world for me, we both know you weren't the best girlfriend to me. You were fine to me, you never lied or cheated. But you did lie to other people. Is it really that big of a deal what other people think? We were together how long, were so close to the goal, and you never even told your best friend about us?
I'm going to keep this short & to the point, because I'm tired of saying it.
I don't know where to even begin Pandora. The person who completely destroyed the person I was, who opened my eyes to the sort of pain the world could really give me. I stuck by through everyone, waiting, and I was just a toy to you. I don't think you realize how much you lost by lying to me, by using, by leading me on. I don't think you realize how much I've lost.
I will never forgive you for what you did to me. I will never forgive you for the person you've turned me into. And yet, I'm glad you're in my life. as painful as life with you is, I can't imagine it without you.
Everyone else I've been kind of nice to, because I realize that these people aren't as anonymous as I make them out to be. But you have no redeeming qualities that I can think of. I'm ashamed to admit that I once liked you, that I was blinded by the person I thought you were.
You have a way to go in this life. Shit, even Kel has more figured out than you. Stop caring what other people think about you, grab a new crowd that doesn't consist of the stereotypical back-stabbing bitches.
The only good thing I can say is that you broke it off when you did, before I got too attatched to someone who I don't believe has the actual ability to love another person.
You've been more or less my best friend for so long now, but you're not a very good one. I can never see myself going to you with my problems, because I don't think you'd care. Hell, I haven't even been to your house in a year. I want you to know that you are the coolest person I've ever known, and I love you, in the strictly platonic way. But it wouldn't be that bad if you were ever, y'know, there for me.
This isn't an issue of me coming out and saying all the problems I have with you. This is my apology, which I've layed out for you in little bits and pieces, but never at once. I regret breaking up with you, I regard it as the stupidest thing I've ever done, and I'm not even kidding. You're the only person I've been sure of. There's always doubts in my mind, but there aren't this time.
I wasn't even honest about why I did what I did. I mean, yes, you made things difficult, what with being grounded for so long and more or less ignoring me in school (not intentionally, of course). But I never really made an effort either. The truth is, I was falling in love with you, and I couldn't handle it. I couldn't take it, and I bailed. And I regret it so much, because a year and a half later, here I am, wanting back in, and it might just be too late for me. I should have stayed.
I was using you. There, I said it. and I'm sorry, I really am. I know now that nothing good comes from lying, from using, because let's face it, I'm just not good enough at it.
You stupid Dick. I've never honestly liked you, because you are a stupid, stuck-up bastard. Of course, it doesn't help that so many idiots fawn over you. You are the one anomaly that keeps the world from makign sense.
If you could just once respond to something I said with wit and humor. Usually its fun to prey on people like you, but you jsut make it annoying.
I pretend to be ok with it, but I'm not. No more semantics, what you did to me this summer was just plain cruel. You led me on, and I got hurt. I know it wasn't your intention, but you have to realize that I would have been mroe than happy just being your friend. There were better ways to handle that.
Regardless of all that, I miss you. So much. And I will find a way to see you this summer. You know what you did wrong, I have faith in you to not repeat the same mistake.
I will never be able to figure you out. You're not proper, and you're not better than everyone else, no matter how bad you want to believe it. I don't treat you witht he respect you want because you are a friend, an equal. And if you can't see that, fuck you.
I can't believe you cut me out of the prom picture.
I miss you man. Come back to Anchorage, if only for so long. You have been my muse, my guide, and are one of teh few people I look up to in this world.
Same goes for you. Come back now. You were always good for a laugh, even if so much of it was just the repetition of me.
There are very few people I can count on in this world, and you're one of the few. I know I can always count on you, and I trust you completely.
You're my best friend man. You know the things I've never told anyone else. You're probably the only person who can pick out everyone on this list. I admire you, I really do, because you are essentially the person I aspire to be. You're better than me, and probably wiser.